Simply put, when my parents left (the first time), my husband said it was more work to have them there, than not. My parents graciously were watching our dog while we were in the hospital, and intended to stay for about 4 weeks to help us with our newborn. A day after we came home from the hospital, my parents (and our family dog) arrived. Luckily they live about an hour away, because after a few days our family dog developed urinary incontinence (it was a very stressful situation for everyone) so they headed back home.

The decision of family helping (or not) during such an emotional, vulnerable, and stressful time is definitely a personal decision that you and your partner should discuss ahead of time. Contingent on the relationship with parents or the in-laws, you might prefer to have a third party come help as well (postpartum doula, postpartum nanny, etc.), or might decide not to have additional help at all.

After my parents left, my husband and I did a little retrospective. We decided that we wanted and needed their help, but we needed to change our approach. Both of us work in demanding tech jobs, and we realized that we didn’t “set expectations” appropriately, and we should approach it like we would a work project. In short, we should set clear expectations and have open communication so that everyone has a positive experience.

Set clear expectations

• Do you want advice or just practical help?

• Politely address potential differences in approaches to childcare. (some of this might be generational as well)

Open and honest communication

• Ideally have this conversation before the baby arrives, or the earlier the better! Actively listen to their suggestions and concerns with an open mind.

• After the baby arrives, check in regularly to see how everyone is feeling. Don't be afraid to re-evaluate and adjust expectations as needed.

What kind of help works?

• Think about what your family member capable of doing, and what would they enjoy doing.

• Write it down, and have a direct conversation about it, and make sure that everyone is aligned on responsibilities and expectations.

• Be specific in your requests (who is doing what exactly, and when is this all happening?).

In the end, we had a piece of paper on the kitchen counter that my parents could reference on a daily basis, with a list ordered by priority of things that we needed their help with. Our list included things like feeding and walking the dogs in the morning, cooking N meals, and lots of baby cuddles. Over time, we all found our flow, and we didn’t need the list anymore. We also realized that more frequent, shorter trips worked better for everyone!

To this day I’m really grateful my parents came back to help us (and they were willing as well) because I think it helped them develop a special bond with my son. He now asks to call them on a daily basis, and loves it whenever they come to visit.

Good luck to you, new parents (and new grandparents)! Please drop a note in the comments of some tips and recommendations that you’ve learned along the way.