no hard feelings: letting go of grudges and finding peace
Have you ever felt like a grudge was taking up too much space in your mind? I recently listened to a fascinating Hidden Brain podcast episode, “No Hard Feelings”, that shed light on how holding onto resentment can actually harm us more than the other person.
Right off the bat this podcast host says “ Don’t let people live rent free in your head.”
Since writing the “odd woman out” (a post about the complexities of navigating family conflicts and the emotional toll they can take) I’ve been trying not to think too much about the situation, but honestly I’m having a hard time letting it go. I found myself consumed, spending countless hours discussing what I should do with friends, family, and my therapist. My takeaway after listening to this podcast is that this circumstance has taken up too much of my attention, and actually now has control of my time and mental space. The podcast reminded me that if harbored long enough, the resentment will likely impact my sleep, mental health, and other relationships.
I “need to come up with a new story”. What do I want? What’s my goal? I interpreted this as to what was my why, and anchoring on this attempt to change my attitude and perspective.
Multiple times I have wondered if I should just call the quits, and honestly if it wasn’t a family member, I probably would have already. However the idea of my kids having an estranged relationship with a family member, or losing out on a relationship with a cousin close by, continues to bring me back to ruminating over this topic.
My wise friend suggested a practical framework for approaching this conversation, one that can be used in almost any difficult situation. Here's a simplified version:
Ask for Permission: Begin by asking, "Is now a good time to talk?" This shows respect for the other person's time and emotional state.
Find Common Ground: Before diving into the issue, try to align on a shared goal. "I'd like to talk about how we can improve our relationship."
Share Your Feelings: Express how the situation impacted you, using "I" statements. "I felt hurt when..." or channeling Brene Brown - “the story I’m telling myself is…”
State Your Desired Outcome: Clearly communicate what you hope to achieve through the conversation. "I'd like us to find a way to communicate more effectively."
Listen and Respond: Give the other person ample opportunity to share their perspective, and listen actively.
To be transparent, I haven’t had this conversation yet, but have set the boundary expressing that I want to have this conversation as a step to move forward to resolve things.
Releasing grudges is a journey for me, and one that I need to continue to practice. However, I do want to choose forgiveness, and trust that each small step will bring me closer to healthier relationships and a lighter heart, and be the role model I want to be for my kids.
