the odd woman out

Relationships with family members are undeniably complicated. I have had my fair share of family drama, primarily around different generational and cultural definitions of respect, and… politics. Generally I’ve been able to avoid most of the family drama, however this most recent one I was not able to avoid.

Shortly after my husband and I started sharing with our immediate family that we were pregnant a second time, we found out that another family member had miscarried a few weeks prior. As a result, the husband shared that his wife did not want to talk to us anymore, as it seemed like she was getting bombarded with “baby” news and pressure to get pregnant from all angles (eagerness from her family, and work events for expectant mothers). It was unclear why we couldn’t continue non-in person communication, or why we couldn’t continue talking about non-baby things. Regardless, out of respect, we kept this boundary.

So my husband and I took it month by month, since we didn’t understand what she was going through. Every month we’d reflect on the fact that we had not talked in x months, and how weird it felt. Honestly I didn’t think that we could really say anything since we were in the coveted position, and so we continued to provide that space that was requested. Again, we really did not know what she was going through, and assumed she must really be hurting if she was cutting off family members.

Fast forward and six months have passed (I’m going to deliver by the end of the month), and now grappling with how to feel about this situation. More importantly, how do we move forward from the current situation, to the eventual situation where we are talking again like normal family members? Will communication restart after delivery? Will the babies always be a reminder of the embryo that was lost?

It’s also hard not to feel sad, and yes, resentful of the time and memories my elder son lost with his family members, or the community we would have had, if I weren’t pregnant.

I bounce between being sad (both for her, and for myself / my son), to being angry about the situation. Am I allowed to feel angry? It feels selfish to say that it has been challenging to enjoy my last pregnancy with this looming in the background. Trying to enjoy every moment is close to impossible while feeling guilty about being pregnant for almost the entire nine months. A few months in we learned that she was seeing other family members with kids (so kids was not the trigger), and then recently she saw my husband and seemed cordial (so he is not the trigger), but then recently learned that our names were not to be mentioned in the household.

There is that saying “You can't change other people, you can only change yourself”, so I’m trying to just … let this go (or perhaps more like pressure testing to see if I can simply brush this under the rug). How do you move past something so personal and hurtful? In addition, by a family member (or someone who at least I considered a friend). How do I focus on changing myself in this situation? Seeking advice, thanks.